Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Ironic Advent Meditation #3: The Last Prophet

The last Prophet

the words of the LORD came to me saying
there will be signs in the heavens
and also under microscopes
and your fingernails and in your pancakes
and possibly between the lines of ancient Chinese poetry
and the sun will be blood and the moon will be cheese
before the terrible day of the wrath of kahn and
rejoicing and pigs flying and holiday cheer
and such like things . . . .

Excuse me? What did you say about pigs flying? and Fingernails? What are you doing . . . ?

so get thee up and Hi Dee Ho unto the high places o ye K-Mart shoppers . . .

OK, that’s enough. What the Wendell are you talking about, you wild-eyed . . . .

get thee behind me, o ye bear of little brain, for I say unto thee that thou . . . .

I will knock you silly, crazy boy, unless you start talking some sense. AND LET GO OF MY DIOR SCARF!!

Knowest thou not the sound of prophet when thou hearest one? I am a prophet of the tribe of babar, the one who sayest unto thee . . . .

Really? Can’t you do better than that? The Tribe of Babar? You’re not a prophet. I know you. You are my daughter’s bad drama teacher from sophomore year. Aren’t You? Admit it!

For verily, I say unto thee, a prophet is not without honor except in his home room, I mean, his own something . . . village, tribe . . . Place he Dwelleth  . . .  
OK, what the hell, I’m not a prophet.

Duh! I mean, really, you were SO convincing.  

So what? You don't believe in prophets? I COULD be a Prophet, anyway even though I'm not. What are you, a secular Humanist Or something?

Maybe. Maybe not. But, either way, apparently you didn't get the message.
What message? 

Prophecy. Has. Ceased.

Seized What? 



Hear ye my people who have ears, For Thus Saith the Lord, Honor thy prophet and thy mothers and thy prophet’s mothers. . . .

You’re ridiculous.

I know.

You do?
Yes, I know, I know. I just want to be a prophet, that’s all.

Prophesy has ceased. 

Yeah, you said that. 

Besides, what about drama?

You don’t think I was dramatic?

Well, you were kind of dramatic, in a ridiculous prophetic Tribe of Babar way.

Really? Thanks.  

But ridiculous.
I don’t mind. Prophets are always ridiculous. 

WERE ridiculous. Prophecy has ceased.

Your opinion. 

What do you mean prophets are . . . were ridiculous? 

Want the short list?

The what? 

The short list of ridiculous prophet things.

Yeah, sure. Give it to me. 

Here goes: Wear a camel jumpsuit. Eat bugs. Marry a whore . . . 


Hosea and Gomer


Shhhh. Get sawed in half. Lie on your side for 430 days in Babyon . . .


A place where prophets lay on their  side 

Is it lie or lay? 


Do prophets follow grammar rules?

Yes. No. I don't know.

Well anyway, while lying or laying on their sides, do prophets babble on? 

(drama teacher gives his best Clint Eastwood stern look, as if to a chair at a political convention)

May I continue?

Pardon me. 

Eat poop . . .


Walk around naked for three years. Tell King David he’s a sinner. Tell King Herod he’s a sinner. Tell King Ahab he’s a sinner . . .


Don't Interrupt! 


Cry nonstop for your entire adult life . . .
Jeremiah, right?

How did you know? 

Wild guess.

Stand on your watch . . .

The shortest prophet, right?

It’s an old joke. Tell everyone that a virgin will be with child . . .


NOT funny! 

Are you done? 

Just getting started.

Get serious. 

Listen to what I’m saying. Prophets. Are. . . . . queer. 


Like, you can’t imagine. 
Listen to this, and please, humor me, OK. . . . 
So I’m not really a prophet, but I’m going to give it my best wild-eyed, bug-eating, walking around naked, chariot of fire, drama teacher, because this is the craziest thing you’ve ever heard. OK? Ready?

Sure. Give it to me all baby!

What did you say?

Nothing. An old youth group joke.

Alright. So, here goes. "The word that came to Isaiah, the son of Amoz:  They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."

Whoa! That’s wild. 

There’s more. Don’t Interrupt. You’re messing with my bliss. 


"And the wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze, their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put its hand on the adder's den.

They will not hurt or destroy on all my holy mountain; for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea."

THAT is beautiful, man. Beautiful.

Hey, whatdya doing? Are you crying?

Noooo, no, no. Allergies. Happens every Advent. 

Well, anyway. Thanks for listening. 

No, thank YOU. That was some crazy stuff. Crazy, crazy stuff. 

Yeah, it was. Is. Can you imagine? 

Yeah. Wow. WOW! God! No. No, not really. I guess I can’t really imagine that. 

Yeah, like I said, it’s ridiculous. But I kind of get a charge out of it. 

Yeah, yeah, I can see why. Well, I’ll be seeing you.

Ok, sure. See you around.

So, take it easy, Elijah.

It’s Eli SHA. 




  1. I chuckled softly in several places, but I laughed out loud at "(drama teacher gives his best Clint Eastwood stern look, as if to a chair at a political convention)"

    Thank you for reminding me of the craziness.